Bittersweet

Two weeks ago, my agent began pitching my book to prospective publishers and since then I have literally been holding my breath, waiting with fear and optimism for some feedback.

Today I got an email from my agent with the heading “Close!” Eagerly I opened the email to find the below response from one of the BIG 5 publishing houses:

Hi [Agent name]—I found the material so compelling! Anike’s father is such an iconoclast, and her writing is really gorgeous. I love too how the family story is backed by politics and history. But after talking it through with the team here, I think we’re feeling that it’s a little too tricky of a memoir market right now to take this one on for our list at this time. I’m sorry not to have a better answer, I’ve really been mulling over this decision. I so appreciate the chance to read—and very much hoping this finds a happy home and the perfect editor.

Much appreciation,

So, as the title of this mini blog post says, my feelings are really bittersweet.

I am devastated that they decided to pass on the basis that memoir is so hard to sell right now – I wish I could reach out to them directly to say, but it’s me, my memoir surely is different, this story is so important and resonant. But alas, I can’t do that ☹

But I will tell you that I am also absolutely bursting with pride!!!

To get such validating and positive feedback about my book and my writing made my day – it literally made my day. When I got the email from my agent, I pulled my car aside and sobbed. Not for sadness, but for pride.

For ages I have had that saboteur’s voice in my head telling me I am no good, my writing is no good, no one will care, who am I to try and call myself a writer?

This email from a Big 5 publisher, though it is a pass, has filled me with confidence – confidence in myself as a writer and confidence in my story. Validation from such a credible source is truly the SWEETEST feeling.

 I feel blessed, I feel happy, I feel validated.

Tomorrow I will continue battling to try and get my book published but today I am going to take a moment to relish in this feeling.